10 Things to Do Before I Die Read online

  Yes, it is MY LIFE. It’s truly mine. For the first time ever.

  And death Will be my catalyst.

  I’ll bust loose. I’ll forget everything. I have to. I owe it to myself. I’ve followed the same stupid nonroutine every single day, ever since I can remember. Obsessively! Compulsively! Without fail! I hang out at the Circle Eat, I hide in my bedroom With my guitar, I daydream While I play along to Shakes the Clown, I avoid Rachel … and so on and so on. It’s all evasion, all nothingness. And best of all, I can milk this sudden hysteria; I can use it to quash the panic about What’s really happening: that I’m about to head off to that Great Gig in the Sky—

  “Ted,” Nikki Whispers. “You’re scaring me. What are you thinking right now?”

  “I’m thinking that I don’t Want to think!” I exclaim, sounding frighteningly like my parents.

  Neither she nor Mark says a Word.

  “Hey, don’t be so glum,” I add. I leap off the couch. “Buck up, you guys. If What you’re saying is true, that I’m gonna die, then What’s the point in dwelling on it? I need to start getting busy. Now, bring on the list. I’m serious. Let’s finish it, okay? Ay-sap!”

  The Second Big Fight of the Last Day of My Life

  Before either of them can respond, I dash back to my room for my knapsack.

  Whoa. Not a good idea. Leo’s synthetic poison makes dashing very difficult. By the time I reach the door, dashing has degenerated into stumbling. I decide to crawl. What the hell? I collapse to the rug and make my Way toward the knapsack—I can see the thing, right by my bed—got it! Now all I have to do is fumble through the open pocket… . There. The napkin. I grab it and prop myself up on my elbows, gritting my teeth once more to help fight the dizziness:

  BURGER’S SPRING BREAK

  Lose virginity.

  Jam With Shakes the Clown.

  PARTY With Shakes the Clown.

  Get back at Billy Rifkin.

  “I have to finish this list,” I Whisper aloud. “Then I have to do everything on it.”

  “Ted?” Nikki calls from the living room. “Are you okay?”

  “Be right there!” I shout.

  I force myself to my feet. I Walk—very slowly and cautiously—back down the hall toward the living room. I use the Walls as a crutch. And in the process, something else extraordinary happens. Somehow I manage to see those Walls for the first time. I really, truly observe the Walls of the Burger family apartment. Framed photos are everywhere, like a plague: dozens of them, hundreds, maybe even thousands. It’s just …

  I’ve never noticed them before. Not like this. I mean, how often do you really take a good, objective look at your own home? How often do you step back and soak in the place you’ve lived your entire life? But death has given me a new perspective. If I felt my life flashing before my eyes back at the diner, When Leo pulled the Water gun, Well, now it’s happening outside my mind and in real time. My life is literally flashing before my eyes. Frame by frame.

  And not just my own. The lives of every person my parents have ever met: every friend, every client, every casual acquaintance—even Mr. Hammurabi, the deli guy across the street— they’re all included, too, somewhere.

  I pause in front of a part of Wall space dedicated entirely to me.

  So many pictures …

  There I am, holding my electric guitar right after Mom and Dad unveiled it for my eleventh birthday. There I am, strumming it happily. There I am, sticking my tongue out at Mom as she yells at me to stop playing so I can Watch an important commercial.

  And sure enough, there I am again, one picture away, in front of the TV.

  There are even several shots of Rachel and me. She’s Wearing the same infinitely nice smile in all of them. My eyes grow misty. Now I finally understand Why my mom and dad mount so many photos on the Wall. Each represents a perfect, illustrative moment. The display is like a trailer for the movie of their lives. And now my own personal trailer is about to be yanked from theaters—

  “Ted!” Nikki shouts.

  She’s standing right in front of me. I nearly fall over. She loops my arm around her shoulders and escorts me back to the sofa, the Way a medic might escort a Wounded soldier away from battle.

  Mark has started pacing again.

  “You gotta call your parents, dude,” he says, stroking his chin, distracted. “You gotta let them know What happened. This is bad. I mean, this is really bad, you know?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I know it’s bad.”

  “So?”

  “So What’s the point of calling them? I mean, seriously. They’re never around When I need them. They’re never even around When I don’t need them. They’re just never around. Even When they are here, they aren’t really here. You know? They’re so Wrapped up in each other and their Work that they don’t see anything other than themselves, or their agenda, or their pictures on the Wall … and if you Want to know the truth, you guys are more of a family to me than they are. I’m not kidding. I spend more time With you. I learn more from you. I—”

  I shut up.

  Mark and Nikki are both staring at me. Their lips are trembling.

  What the hell did I just say? Now I know for sure the poison is taking effect because something is Wrong With my brain— something other than What’s usually Wrong With it. I’m never this open or honest or analytical. Whatever. I can’t afford to think too hard about that kind of BS right now. The clock is ticking.

  “I mean, Why do you think I ran to get this?” I continue, just to fill the silence. I Wave the napkin in front of them. “I have to make the most of What little time I have left! I have to live it up!”

  “I know you do, Burger!” Mark yells at me. “That’s Why you need to get off your ass and come With us and stop being such a moron!”

  I scowl and lean back in the sofa, exhausted for some reason. The vertigo isn’t so bad now. Neither is the tinnitus. Maybe anger mutes the poison. But I’m angry because I realize that I shouldn’t be angry at all. Mark and I aren’t arguing; We’re agreeing. He’s right. We both are. I need to get off my ass and stop being a moron.

  “Mark, I’m sorry,” I apologize forcefully. “But We’re gonna finish this list. You told me I had to. Remember? You even told me I should live the next twenty-four hours like they Were my last because my parents are away. Well, now they are my last.”

  “Burger, that Was a joke,” he breathes.

  “I know. And that’s the Whole point. It’s time to make this joke as funny and as cool and awesome and meaningful as We possibly can. So let’s figure out ten things for me to do, and then let me start doing them.”

  Down to Business

  Mark responds by kneeling in front of my parents’ liquor cabinet.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  “I’m going to get drunk,” he states very matter-of-factly. “If you aren’t going to the hospital, then you leave me no choice. And you’re gonna get drunk, too.”

  “I am?”

  “Yeah. We all are. It’ll help us think.” He leans forward and peers closely at the mahogany door. It’s got an old-fashioned brass lock. For a moment he hesitates. Then he makes a fist and punches the lock, knuckles first: Smack! The door gently swings open, Without so much as a creak.

  Mark turns and beams at me.

  I have to smile back. Mark may be an impulsive maniac, but he’s got flair.

  “Now, let’s see …”

  He reaches in and grabs a bottle of foul-looking liquid. It’s roughly the same color as gasoline. Judging from the classy font on its label, though, it must be expensive. I lean forward and squint at the lettering. Glenmorangie? Never heard of it. Mark stands up straight. He Waves the stuff in front of all of us, swishing it around like a magician about to perform a signature trick. Then, in a single deft maneuver, he yanks out the cork cap—thwok!—and shoves the bottle against his lips, tilting it up and chugging furiously. Glug glug glug … he sputters. His face shrivels like a popped balloon. Brown liquid
drips to the floor. He looks as if he’s just been forced to ingest sewer sludge. Yet somehow he musters a demented grin.

  “Yeah!” he chokes out. “This stuff rocks!”

  I glance at Nikki. She shrugs.

  “I’ve had scotch before,” she says nonchalantly. “It’s better With ice.”

  Mark thrusts it into my hands. “It’s fine Without ice, though,” he croaks, his voice hoarse. “Just take a pull, Burger. Right now.”

  “I …” I turn to Nikki again. Her saucer eyes are moist. She looks as if she’s about to cry. I can tell that this is a decision I’ll have to make on my own. (I hate that kind of decision.) My gaze falls to the heavy bottle. I catch a Whiff of What’s inside. Jesus—my parents actually pay for this crap?

  “Come on, Burger,” Mark Whispers. He claps me on the shoulder. “Get down to business. Do this. It’ll help me out. I mean it.”

  I can’t argue. Clearly Mark does need help. Why is his reaction to this Whole poisoning thing so much more out of control than mine? But I suppose I shouldn’t think too hard about that. Screw it. I should just take a pull. It’s not as if it’ll endanger my health. I don’t have any health anymore.

  I upend the bottle, trying to imitate What I just saw him do. Shockingly, I don’t barf. Scotch seems to be one of those rare liquids that taste better than they smell. Sure, it burns a little going down, but then it feels Warm in my belly. And the Warmth lingers. More shocking still, it buries the nausea. After two more swigs I find that it actually helps me, too. There’s still a little vertigo, a little tinnitus—but as long as I stay seated … this is the best I’ve felt since I’ve been poisoned.

  “Now you’re talking!” Mark exclaims. He swipes the bottle back. “I’ll grab us some glasses, okay, Burger? Nice ones. Highball glasses. And some ice, too.”

  He scurries into the kitchen.

  Meanwhile Nikki stares at me, blinking the Wetness away.

  I have no idea What she’s thinking. I have no idea What any of us is thinking. It’s a unique experience. Usually I can at least speak for myself.

  Moments later Mark returns With glasses and ice. We squeeze into the couch together: boy-girl-boy. He pours us all generous servings.

  The ice crackles as We lift our scotches for a toast.

  “To life!” he shouts.

  I have to smile. I’ve never even had such lousy comic timing.

  Nikki shakes her head, embarrassed for all of us.

  “What?” Mark says. He sounds genuinely puzzled.

  “The toast, you dope.” Nikki groans.

  He blinks. “Oh. Well, What should I have said? To death?” He slurps his drink, draining about half of it. “Hand over that napkin. We’re here for Burger, remember? And if he isn’t gonna think about dying, then neither am I.”

  Heroism, Nigeria, Bank Robbing, and Suicide

  Within the half hour, We’ve each downed two jumbo-sized scotches apiece. Mark has been a dervish of energy: putting on CDs, taking them off, refilling our drinks … and now he’s back on the couch, scribbling on the napkin. As the level of liquor in the bottle falls, the volume in the room rises. Soon We’re all shouting at one another. We can’t stop giggling, either. The three of us seem to be experiencing the same simultaneous hearing loss. Hey! I think, a lopsided grin on my face. Hearing loss is another one of the symptoms of Ménière’s disease! So now I’m three for four. And What Was the last one? Pressure in the ears?

  “Mark!” Nikki yells. “What are you Writing?”

  She’s slouched deep into the couch now. She’s slouched so deep that she’s practically horizontal. Her tank top is rumpled. Her scotch rests on her exposed navel. She taps the glass With her silver rings, smiling up at him.

  Mark tilts the napkin so all three of us can read What he’s jotting down:

  Do something truly heroic. Like rescue a baby from a burning building.

  Along these lines, actually GO to one of those third World countries Rachel is always talking about and do something positive THERE. (Like Nigeria or Wherever. But fast.)

  Rob a bank.

  Somehow I muster the strength to speak. “Whoa, Whoa, hold on. Rob a bank? Why do I have to do that?”

  He looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. “You have to do something bad to counterbalance the good, Burger,” he replies, slurring slightly. “Part of living life to the fullest is embracing the Dark Side.”

  I momentarily forget the poison. “The Dark Side? What is this, Star Wars?”

  Mark turns to Nikki, raising his hands as if to say: A little help?

  “Ted, you have to do something totally beyond the confines of morality,” Nikki explains, as if she and Mark have plotted this robbery numerous times in the past. “But listen. You aren’t gonna be alone. We’re gonna be With you all the Way, one hundred percent. When it comes time to knock over the bank, We’re gonna knock it over With you. I mean, aside from the obvious—you know, that a strong-through-the-door operation always requires a lookout, a driver, and a vault man—aside from all that, Which We’ll Worry about later …”

  I blink at her.

  Knock over? Strong-through-the-door operation? Vault man?

  She’s even drunker than I am.

  Nikki grabs the napkin and snatches the pen away from Mark and starts scribbling something herself.

  8. Pull a crazy stunt, like bungee jump off the GW Bridge.

  “See, Ted, your problem is that you don’t like putting yourself in dangerous situations,” she informs me. “You have to laugh publicly in the face of death—like that magician, David What’s-his-face. You know? The guy Who froze himself in a block of ice? That’s the key to living a full life. Damn, What’s his name? David …”

  “David Blaine?” I say.

  She nods. “Yeah, him.”

  “That’s the key to living a full life?”

  She nods again.

  “Freezing yourself in a block of ice,” I repeat. “Bungee jumping off the George Washington Bridge.”

  “Exactly,” Nikki says. “You know. Something stupid, like What Mark Would do.”

  We both giggle again, like idiots.

  I spot Mark in the corner, talking on the phone. When did he start making calls? He gives me a thumbs-up. There’s a satisfied “We’re all set!” gleam in his eye. Clearly he’s just confirmed something of extreme importance, but I have no idea What it could be or Who he’s talking to. He mutters something incomprehensible and hangs up.

  “Dude!” he yells, elated.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I just found out Where Billy Rifkin lives,” he says.

  “Billy Rifkin?” I don’t know Why, but this makes me laugh harder than I’ve laughed all night. I double over in hysterics. Scotch spills onto the floor.

  “Get outta here!” Nikki yells.

  “You know What that means, don’t you?” Mark asks me.

  Nikki swats me on the shoulder. “It means Ted’s gotta go get him!”

  I stop laughing. “Huh?”

  “That’s right, dude,” Mark concurs. His eyes are unsteady. “This is What you’ve been Waiting for. 525 West Seventy-third Street. Number 15E. You’ve gotta get back at that little pecker for making you look like a fool. I mean, you remember how you felt that day, right? With everybody laughing at you? With your guitar strings in the sewer—”

  “Yeah, yeah, I remember.”

  I try to straighten up on the couch. A sudden onslaught of vertigo sends me crashing into Nikki. Oops. Best just to get off the couch altogether. With a mighty grunt I propel myself up to a standing position. (Or close enough. The teetering makes full uprightness impossible.) “What about the other stuff on that napkin?” I ask, trying not to slur my Words. “What about partying With Shakes the Clown? Billy is number four, right? Shouldn’t I party With Shakes the Clown first?”

  Mark raises his eyebrows. “Uh … Ted?” He shoves the napkin back in his pocket and Waves a drunken hand around the room. “I don’t see Shakes the Cl
own here. If you’re hiding them somewhere, fine. Let’s get started. Otherwise We have to be realistic. We have to Work With What We’ve got. Know What I’m saying?”

  I do my best to stick my tongue out at him. It’s difficult. I’m smiling uncontrollably.

  “Now, listen, Burger,” Mark says. “Don’t Worry about a thing.” He lurches forward and throws a sweaty arm around my shoulders. “We’re gonna take care of that other stuff, too. Even the first thing! That’s right. You’re going to become a man tonight. But you gotta trust me on this. Okay? Will you trust me? Will you trust your old pal Mark? You gotta beat the crap outta this kid. Say the address back to me: 525 West Seventy-third Street. Apartment 15E. And—Burger!”

  “What?”

  “Have you heard a Word I’ve said?”

  “Have I heard …?” I crack up again. “That’s funny. Rachel asked me that exact same thing earlier.”

  Mark opens his mouth. Then he closes it and blinks a few times, gulping loudly. “Listen up,” he says, his voice strained. “We have a plan now. You’re gonna go uptown and beat the crap out of Billy Rifkin. In the meantime We’re gonna stay here and deal With the rest of this list for you. We’re even gonna figure out nine and ten. We’re gonna finish this thing. I swear it. Okay?”

  I lift my shoulders, in no position to argue. In spite of the fact that Mark seems to be on the verge of a breakdown, I’m still laughing.

  Call Me a Nut

  Call me a nut, but I love the New York City transit system. Most people see it as a hassle. Some people even refuse to take the subway. But they don’t know What they’re missing. A subway car is the prime spot for such excellent pastimes as:

  People Watching

  Bonding With perfect strangers When something goes Wrong. And something always goes Wrong. That’s the beauty of it. You’re sitting next to a grizzled businessman— the kind of guy you have nothing in common With—When the train suddenly breaks down. You and the businessman exchange a smile. You roll your eyes. And just like that, you’re War buddies, comrades in arms, united by the heroic struggle to get from point A to point B.